Giving Up The Fear

      Well as a good friend of mine told me, I am actually running an after school program. I have spent so much time worrying and over thinking everything, that I didn't even realize that this program has started, the students are already finding places in my hearts, and it has been about two weeks and it hasn't fallen apart yet. Can we just take a minute and say, "Hallelujah!!!" I don't know how God does it every single time. One of the greatest things about this job is the constant reminder of His faithfulness. I apologize for the lack of confidence in His ability, over the past few weeks. He truly wants us to trust Him with all we do, even if we don't know exactly what we are doing. It is truly by no power of my own that the ball has started rolling and things have fallen into place.
     My schedule has changed so I don't get to see as much of my preschoolers as I would like. But don't worry, I am planning surprise visits with them because this heart of mine can't get enough of Sherman's contagious smile, Janiyah's tight hugs, Jalia's silly comments, Zenna's games she likes to play, Jalila's little quiet smart remarks, Dontrel turning into a small version of his brother, Trinity refusing to use her words even though she knows them, Ka'Mya planning the surprises she will get her teachers, Malik doing his best to ruin everyone else's games, Ahmor reaching her arm out to be held, or Mario doing everything he can to get out of the time out chair. They are one of the main reasons that I have lasted this long and why I am already starting to dread the day I have to tell them goodbye. I had no idea I could grow so attached to children that come from such a different world and how a part of me has taken them in as my own. God hasn't blessed me with a family just yet, but I have seen a glimpse of the love a mother has for their child and I pray that God has that beautiful gift in store for me. 
     Now let me tell you about my after school kids... I bet you'll never guess this, but they are crazy just like my little ones! I was so nervous about who they were going to be and being overwhelmed by having so many to myself. However, we serve an extremely understanding and knowledgeable God. He knew my struggles before I ever spoke them out loud, He had a grip on what I didn't think I could handle, and He planned for everything I couldn't prepare for. With a whole lot of encouragement from the people around me, I anxiously started the first day anticipating a room full of kids and not being able to control them at all. Well, God showed me His original plan and brought two of sweetest girls to the first day. That was a lot less than the ten I was expecting! He has graciously worked me into this, and I now have about five or six kids attending in the afternoons depending on the day of the week. There is Kyla, who is incredibly smart and strives to please the adults in her life. Kenya, a girl with a story that will amaze you. Ashanti, a precious girl with a smile that lights up my day, and then there is Lorenzo and Jacob. These two brothers put me to work, I love Lorenzo's effort to excel at everything he does and Jacob stole my heart with a hug from out of nowhere before I left this week. Now don't let them fool you, if left alone with each other, one of them will have kicked or punched the other and then proceeds to blame the other brother for starting it. Cracks me up and wears me out some days, but I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know them. I almost find it comical at how uptight I had been about doing this and I apologize to anyone who had to deal with me during that time. But really my main goal is to love on these kids just as much as I do my preschoolers and in the short amount of time I have spent with them, I can tell you I am already on that road. 
     

Dinner with some champions!

    I have also learned that as soon as you think you can handle life, or getting used to your surroundings, there will always be something to remind you of a danger you try to ignore, or a distraction that comes up to throw you off track. Earlier this week, my roommates and I watched the surveillance video of one of their vehicles getting vandalized. It was one of the most unsettling feelings I have ever experienced. My first thought was to just pack up and leave because the thought of staying there was a little too much for this 25 year old single woman in the south side to handle. But a thought that came a few days later was that despite the fear we all feel, God didn't allow them to harm us.It wasn't the greatest thing that could have happened, and we all wished it hadn't, but it gives us another opportunity to fully trust God with our lives. Except, now we just walk around as prepared as we can be for whatever happens: 

So blessed to know these girls! They have taught me so much!
#VashawnandMitchell

    Despite how I feel right now, I am doing my best to trust God with the rest of this journey. This is the "make it or break it" part people talk about. I can call it quits or I can call on Jesus to lead me the rest of the way. At the end of the day, I want to say that I let Jesus have all of me. Which means I have to let go of my struggle, stop fighting with the fear, seek after His peace, and allow Him to help me finish strong. And in the end I will realize, yet again, that no matter what I come up against, God is so much greater!