Monday, May 26, 2014

Everything Is Different

    I am starting to feel like a nomad, no place to really call my home. I was reminded of what Jesus said about His life and how He had no place to rest His head at night. (Matthew 8:20) But He also mentioned that this was part of what it means to follow Him. Now don't get me wrong, I am not sleeping on the streets or desperate for shelter. What I mean is that no matter where I am at, I get the feeling that I don't belong. It's not anything that anyone does or says to me, it's just how I feel in each environment, nothing is like it used to be. I keep telling myself this is a good thing, but I'm trying to figure out the good in it.
    For example, I spent a morning at the hospital this past week to attend a meeting and help out in areas they needed an extra hand. My heart was grateful to see familiar faces that I know and have grown to love. However, that was all that I had to say about my visit. I found myself no longer desiring to be involved with the ins and outs of the department, I just wanted to know how the people were doing, to try to be an encouragement in some way. My heart has been redirected from the busyness of a full time job and the burdens it brings, to focusing on the ones I am working with. I feel somewhat guilty that it took me leaving to realize that I have missed so many opportunities with so many people. I feel embarrassed for not taking the steps or seizing each moment to just love the people I was with. I spent so much time trying to hear all sides of every story or taking part in things that I had no business getting involved with, that I missed out on hearing the heartache, worry, or struggle behind their words or offering opportunities for their faith to grow as well. I have always been taught to focus on the people around you wherever you are, meet them where they are at, and love them despite the flaws they may throw at you. Notice its a call for action, we are called to actually step out, get uncomfortable and share with those we spend our time with, and that is an extremely challenging task.
   That may not be a mind blowing concept to most however, I currently live in an environment where reaching out to others is our main priority, it is my full time job now. Something that I am not necessarily comfortable with, which brings me to another place that I don't quite feel like I fit in. I am not used to taking that first step, to becoming uncomfortable or vulnerable in order to let someone know that there is something more and someone greater than themselves in whom they could believe in, that will never fail them. I find myself going back over scenarios and thinking how dumb I sounded, or how crazy they must have thought I seemed. However, I think about Jesus in His ministry and how people thought He sounded crazy, how they mocked Him for his words, and disagreed with His beliefs. He never let them stop Him, He pushed forward knowing that everyone needed to hear the news He had to share. As I think of His example and then look at my walk, I have so much room for improvement. People have told me they admire what I'm doing, and I do my best not to shake my head, for I need to be doing so much more. I have let self-doubt and discouraging words fill my mind which has caused a very confused and nonproductive heart. I agree with them that stepping out and following Jesus is something pretty remarkable (because in reality it usually always seems like the craziest thing to do), but it's the moments, days, months, or years after that step where things get messy and confusing that people don't see. It's made me feel like I'm not equipped for this, that I have made a mistake, and that I won't make it to the end of this year. I have read a couple books written by missionaries, longing to find out how they made it through the struggles, questions, and doubts. Each shared how that no matter where they found themselves, God was always with them, reminding them of the love that He has for them. It is greater than themselves, capable to breakthrough any barrier that keeps us from sharing with others, and able to reach the most lost, tattered, and worn hearts we come across. In the most trying times, He asks us to stop trying and let Him step in. In the most hopeless circumstances, He asks us to give up control and allow His hope to fill us. In the most broken moments, He asks us for honest hearts in order for Him to love us back together.
    It seems strange, but I feel as if I am learning a whole new side to the God I thought I knew before I started this endeavor. The more I learn, the more that changes. And I'm learning the more changes that I experience, the more differences I will see in myself. Something different I have recently noticed about myself is how much I miss it when I'm not there. At first I was excited to just be a part of the ministry and spend time with those children. The difference now is, I know the amount of effort it takes to work with them, I understand the chaos that is always possible there, and I know some of the emotional and mental struggles I will face, but on some level I miss it when I'm away. I find myself wondering how my kids are doing, if everyone on my street is still alive after the weekend, and looking forward to being able to keep the kids safe throughout the day and to share even a simple hello with someone on the street. I long to break out of my shell in order to be used for what God desires me to do. I thought that's where I was before I started, but even that thought is something completely different now.


Why wouldn't I want to come back!?!
When was the last time you got to play musical chairs?
 


    

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Searching for Peace

      This week has been a spiritual challenge for me. I'm trying to see the bigger picture on a few things, but of course I cannot because I am not gifted like my Father. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed by all the little details that are trying to wear me down, however I feel like I'm failing miserably at that task. I wholeheartedly believe that God is going to see everything through, but the time in between His current involvement until His final touch is somewhat exhausting. Despite the difficulties I have had, I praise God for the way He can bless us so unexpectedly in the midst of our struggles, we just have to be paying attention! I praise God for the people He has placed in my life and for revealing their purpose in such thoughtful ways. And I will be forever grateful for the grace and love He so willingly shares with me to encourage me along the way!
      My cousin shared with me a piece of my great grandmother that touched my heart and inspired me to keep going. These are words from over twenty years ago that I'm sure she had no idea would impact others today. I send out a big thank you to Becky for sharing something so precious at just the right time!
 
"A Prayer"

Dear master, as I seek Thy face
For power and light to run the race
Of life, that Thou hast planned for me-
To receive the reward in Eternity.
 
May I find grace in time of need
Upon Thy Word, my soul to feed.
Thy Spirit guide and comfort me
From Satan's power to be kept free.
 
Use me Lord, in Your own precious way,
To help someone along life's way-
To see, to hear, to understand
The hurts and cries of fallen man.
 
To reach out in love, to lift the load,
Of some weary traveler on life's rugged road,
And point them to Jesus, the Savior of men-
Who lived, loved, and died to redeem them from sin.
 
He arose from the grave, ascended on high,
And is coming again in the sweet by and by-
To gather us home, forever to bless-
With peace, joy, and love in the Heavenly bliss.
Helen Taylor
5-11-1990
 
    Her words didn't solve any of my problems, but brought a comfort that words fail to describe. As I read, tears fell so easily as my heart longed to be able to see her and be able to share this journey with her. So often I find myself longing to just talk with her, or anyone who has given all they have to live out a life of service for God. To ask her questions of how she kept going for so long, what was the hardest part for her, what was her favorite part about being a missionary, or what encouraged her the most?
      And as He always does, God has pulled through. I may not be able to talk with my great grandmother any longer, but I live with a woman who has an incredible heart for God and is a prime example of what it means to live every moment for Him. Ms. Pearl lives a life that is a true example of finding joy in the midst of challenges. It seems almost every day there is something unexpected that changes her whole schedule, someone adds to her to do list, or God asks her to give just a little more of her time than she originally planned. She lives out what we are called to do, she is the person we are told to be, and she does it in such a way that only God can get the credit. She was on the phone one night this week and I was out on the stairs waiting to leave with her. (We are firm believers in the buddy system around here.) I don't remember the details of the conversation, but there was a point that I had to look up and make sure she wasn't talking to me because it resonated so much with what I have been feeling. This is all Ms. Pearl talking, "'I asked her that even though all this is going on, do you have any peace at all in your heart about anything?' And she told me, 'Yea, yea I do.' And then I told her, 'Take that peace, and hold onto it girl! You may have to search for it for a bit, but once you got it, don't let go of it!'" You know those moments when you just know that God is talking to you? That was one for me.
     I share this with you to encourage you to keep going, God will reveal His plan, just be patient. Remember that you're not alone in any way that you are feeling. Yes, we are all different, but we have all been created in His likeness and can have similarities even with the most unlikely people. I praise God for the people He brings about along our journey, each one serves such purpose and brings about great blessings. And I urge you to find His peace and never let go; it will see you through till the end of the storm and into His glorious light!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Not By Our Ability, But His

     I'm sure this will come as no surprise to some of you, but it has been on the mildly crazy side here in Roseland. I am not for sure if I will ever get used to this lifestyle; the constant changes or the random events that just seem to happen out of nowhere. However in the middle of all the commotion, we can now say that there are four beautiful, brick walls surrounding what was once just a concrete slab. It is a true testament that God works through the trials of our lives to bring about something quite wonderful.







      Words cannot describe the emotion that comes with this part of the project being completed. What was once just a vision in a prayerful heart, brick by brick has become even more of a reality. Every row joined together not only added height to the wall, but added to the hope that God had originally placed in our hearts. It is surreal standing in the middle of it; thinking of all the children that will pass through those doorways, the lives that God could not reach without this building coming together, or the hearts that will be forever changed by the love that will be shared. It is such a blessing to see the excitement in Ms. Pearl's face, however I was taken aback by the great anticipation that came from the kids. Sherman melted my heart when he said, "Ms. Wendy, are we going to see my new school today?" To watch their jaws drop as they look through the fence and hear them say that they were going to play in it first made my heart smile. I realized in that moment how much I take for granted. I come from a life where new buildings, stores, restaurants, etc. are built all the time. But in this community they do not have as many opportunities to receive something brand new that they can call their own. They have taken such pride in this project, everyone involved or that hears about it is encouraged and hopeful for what it can do for the community. It is inspiring to see what God has brought to such a destitute neighborhood, a safe haven to those who so desperately need a place to turn to. How can we not praise the Lord for how good He is?!?
       We've had a couple of adventures with the kids, one including a trip to the zoo. I know right, why would you take animals to a zoo? I'm only kidding, the children thoroughly enjoy getting out and seeing the things they can only hear about in books; so I'm glad we have the chance to share a different part of the world with them. To keep up with the adventure theme, our trip was planned for one of the colder days we had... Oh yeah, and it rained all day! Nothing would stop us from going. I had forgotten how excited children get over even the smallest things, their energy filled the bus as we headed downtown. Davier kept asking me at every stop light, "Is it time to get up yet? Are we here now? Are we getting closer?" They were more than ready! As adults, we think about the details that can hinder a trip, such as rain, where we will eat, who is in charge of who, where we will meet, what time we have to get back to the bus, etc. However, from our children's perspective, the main focus was, "Where are the tigers? It smells nasty in here. Look at that gorilla, one day I'm going to as big as that gorilla. Ew, it's a spider, I don't like spiders! What's in here, let me find it first! Oh look, I see another seal coming, I see it, I see it!" Or I love how they seize every opportunity to jump in every puddle, climb every fence, touch every plant, walk on every ledge, run to every exhibit, or everyone's favorite "I'm hungry, I'm tired, or I don't want to walk anymore." As the day ended, we were all soaked to the core, everyone was ready for a nap so we headed for the bus. We pile in, buckle up and lo and behold, the bus breaks down. Keep in mind that it is middle of the afternoon and the bus company is sending in reinforcements at just the time that traffic will come to a stand still! We were on the bus with wet, tired children who refused to believe us when we said the bus was broken for almost two hours before help arrived! Don't worry, we let them get off and play in the rain some more, took a trek back to the bathroom, sang a few bus songs, and then the whining started, a few tears were shed and eyes started to droop. We survived rush hour traffic and arrived back at the daycare almost three hours later than we originally planned. This picture kind of explains how everyone felt by the end of this field trip.
Cracks me up!
 
      As summer draws closer and closer, I feel more pressure or responsibility I guess, weighing on my shoulders. It just seems like so much needs to be taken care of and there never seems to be enough time. However, I'm also learning that with God-sized problems comes God-sized solutions. He is moving, His hand is upon each person involved whether they realize it or not. He may be working on their hearts, encouraging their steps, or comforting their spirits, but no one can deny that He is at work. I am learning that the concept of trusting God with everything is the way of life He wants for us. We all get worked up over the little things, hurt by someone's words or actions, distance can make us feel isolated and lonely, or we can feel defeated when our efforts seem to be in vain. But God asks us to place them in His hands. He knows this is not easy for us. He understands that we want things to happen now or our own way, but His way has our best interest at heart. He realizes that some experiences won't make sense to us, but He will bring about understanding in His own time. He asks us to wait on Him, for He sees the outcome, His bigger picture is more than we can fathom. He challenges us to trust in His ability to care for us. He has brought you this far and He promises to take you even farther if you allow Him the privilege of showing you all He is capable of doing for you. Let Him share with you the benefits of not relying on your own abilities, not leaning on your own understanding and experience the freedom that comes with letting go and letting God take control.