A Sweet Reminder

         I can't tell you how exciting it is to see something coming together as I look out the window. It started out as a beautiful, grass filled yard with shady trees, room to run and play, and benches for the tired bodies to find rest. A safe haven for all who entered the gates, a place of peace and restoration for those in need. Now the grass has been dug up, tarps replace the trees, and concrete outlines the lot. It may not look as welcoming as before, however, you can't look at the construction and not be filled with hope! The slab will prayerfully be poured this week, and then the true transformation will begin. You can see the excitement in Ms. Pearl's eyes, you can hear the joy in her voice, and you can't help but trust in God a little bit more with every phase of this project.
          Most days I am learning something new about this culture, realizing that I will probably spend the rest of my time here trying to figure it all out. I usually come to the conclusion that I will never be able to wrap my mind around any of it. Gang life is completely foreign to me, however, it is a very real part of the society. If you look past all the crime and anger, you will see the longing to fit in, a desire to belong, and people searching for their place in this world. They are willing to do anything asked of them in order to be included. They may battle over certain turf or a specific person, but in reality they are battling for control that was never theirs to claim. However, it won't stop them from trying again and again. As I learn more about the culture, I am coming to the understanding that some of the moms we work with do not realize their value or worth. Due to various circumstances in their lives, those ideals seemed to have gotten lost or pushed aside in order to survive or make it through each day. They have lost sight of who they are and have been defined by their situations instead. My heart longs to be encouraging and supportive to as many as I can, but at the same time, I have no idea what it's like to be in their shoes. However, God allowed me to go through a period of time when I couldn't see myself as God saw me, so maybe I can be of more use than I know.
         If I think about it too much, I begin to feel as if I'm in over my head, but then I go to work and see those precious children. The world around me stops for a while and I get pulled in by their innocence and joyful spirits. They say the silliest things, try to pull the craziest stunts, and offer a brand new challenge every day. They are so willing to give you their hearts and share with you all they have in order to receive your love and acceptance. One of my favorite things to hear is right about when I'm ready to leave to go to the Agape Center during their nap. Some of them are still awake and they see me get my coat on and one of them will say, "Bye Ms. Wendy," and then one by one, they all are saying it. Warms my heart to know that for even just that day, I am somewhat important to them. I find myself wondering how in the world I will ever be able to leave them after this is over; I didn't realize how attached I already am. How I love to see Mark looking for me when he first gets to school in order to smile and wave and tell me good morning. Or getting to spend extra time with my dearest Janiyah after school and exposing her to as many Disney movies as possible. I look forward to Jalia's hugs right before she has to leave and right before she gets in trouble for taking too long. And oh how precious is Davier, who likes hot water now because he is three years old (Don't worry, I don't get it either!). I blame the appearance of any bicep muscle on Sherman because of our daily jumping game, which is more of me pulling him up in the air than him jumping. I am grateful every day to see Martezz, for I know he will find peace here. I enjoy learning the little things about Taymone, who's favorite color is orange and he doesn't really like any food other than McDonald's. How I cherish beautiful Darchae's sweet heart and warm smiles. I look forward to hearing what Ka'Mya has learned and seeing her grow so fast. And I can't get enough of Nevaeh's contagious laugh and heartfelt praise and worship. I praise God for the daily reminder of why I came here and why I can't give up. I may struggle, but my battles are nothing compared to the lives the women and children I work with face on a daily basis. May God use me to meet them where they're at, encourage them to be the people God created them to be, and love them just like their heavenly Father does!

Oh how I love them!!

Transformation: Challenge Accepted

"And so, dear brothers and sisters,  I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:1-2

        There has been a constant running theme in my life for the past few weeks, and I finally realized what it is: transformation. It started at a conference a couple weeks ago, I was reminded of all that God had brought me through. My story is nothing compared to the stories I have heard about here, but it is specific to me and is a part of who I once was. God has used every situation I experienced in order to prepare me for this journey, no matter how unprepared I truly feel. There were lessons He taught me through my own foolish decisions and lessons that came from situations out of my control that I never completely understood. I know now that no matter how difficult they were, or how challenging they may have been, they served a great purpose in my walk with Jesus. He molded my heart with every struggle, shaped my spirit with every heart ache, and developed my faith with every let down. He filled me when I was empty, He restored me when I was crushed, and not once did He ever leave my side. I can stand before you now, wounded, yet healed by His grace, and without a doubt say to you that I would not be the person I am today if it had not been for His ever present Spirit in my life. He took a lost young girl, injured by the burdens she carried and transformed her into a hopeful child who wanted nothing more than to experience the love of her heavenly Father.
       Over the past few years, I have been changed beyond anything I ever thought possible as I spent more and more time getting to know what God has in store for me. I have felt challenged by Him to truly live out what I believe. I don't serve a God who stands on the sidelines, but one who is courageous enough to join the front lines and fight this battle along with me and for me when my strength fails. He is active and moving in ways that are not always noticed, but I am certain, He is at work. I was almost content with how my life was, I felt like I served some purpose, and I was comfortable. I was inspired by different Bible studies, encouraged by dear friends, and active in the work my church is doing. However, He and I both knew that there was more to the life He had designed for me. Before long, there was a fire within that no water could ever put out, a yearning from the depths of my being that no one could ever take away, and there was a passion and excitement that came only when I drew closer to Him. God had planted a seed long before I even realized it, and now it was starting to blossom. My thoughts were not about my life anymore, my heart zeroed in on His heart, and the next thing I knew, I was on a wild goose chase after what God wanted for my life. I no longer desired for Him to carry me, I was ready to run alongside Him.
     I give you this background because now I find myself in a culture that I don't necessarily fit in, in a ministry that is outside of my expertise, in a place of darkness and desperation, and in circumstances I have never faced. Every day I can physically feel the stretching and shaping of my endurance, I get overwhelmed by the amount I am learning, and I am constantly searching for His will in every situation. Before, I didn't realize what He was doing, but now I am fully experiencing a transformation taking place in my life. Every day He asks that we give Him all of us, sacrificing all we have in order to receive all He has for us in return. He challenges us to let go of the grip we think we have on this world, and let Him alter the way we think of this world. He knows the struggles and hardships that come with this life, encounters we are not entirely prepared for. But if we allow Him to take root within our heart, soul, and mind, He will transform us into someone we never thought we were capable of becoming and with His help we will overcome all that comes our way. As difficult as it is, I would much rather God spend His time shaping me into who He has called me to be than to stay the same and miss out on an incredible adventure with Him.

It's Worth the Effort

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6 NLT
 
Dear Heavenly Father,
         Be with the person reading these words, open their heart to what you have to say to them, and may they allow you to work in their lives. Remind them of the blessings and joy they have been given; may a smile spread across their face, and warmth fill their heart as they think of all they have to be thankful for. Assure them that whatever struggles or challenges they are facing will not last forever, just long enough for them to grow and realize their need for you. And oh what a need they have for you, Father. We would be nothing without you, we would serve no purpose if you had not placed one upon us before time began. You have a plan for every one of your children, whether they acknowledge it or not; you have specifically placed us in order to do the most good for your kingdom. Don't let them lose heart in the middle of the battle, may they turn to you for their strength, courage, patience, grace, and hope. When they can't see the way out, searching for an end in sight, direct their heart to what you would have them focus on, draw them from the darkness and into your glorious light. May they be encouraged along their journey that you are not finished with them, this is not how their story ends. You are still in the process of writing their story, there is so much more to come. They may find themselves at the beginning of their journey. Father, let them be filled with desire and a yearning to follow you, longing to take that first step. Or they may find themselves wounded and discouraged along this road; bring about peace and healing in order for them to continue on. May each person find the courage to move forward knowing that you are in control, you are with them, and you will not leave them even after your work is complete! Father, you love them with a love beyond comprehension, may they be forever blessed by it!

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

 
         This week began with a running start, which is probably how they should always start out because everything changes or moves around so much that I believe God is trying to tell me to work on preparing myself for flexibility. It has been occurring to me that all control truly lies in God's hands, and He challenges me to trust in His judgment, His decisions, and His plan for my life. He is the only one who can ultimately see the whole picture anyway, I might as well get out of His way and allow Him to finish what He started!
       Ms. Pearl always seems to find tasks for me that require me to do things I have never done before and this week was no exception! She asked me to disciple a mother named, Lolitha, meaning I am to hold her accountable to her commitment to God, guide her through questions she may have about what she reads in the Bible, encourage her to continually seek after God instead of trying to find contentment in people or material things. It may not seem like much, however to the moms, one on one time is a huge deal. Most of the ladies are looking for a friend, someone to turn to when life gets them down, someone to uplift them, someone to be themselves with, and someone to be an example of a life lived sold out for what they say they believe. They have experienced so much hurt, betrayal, disappointment, and struggles that they have lost hope. Somewhere along the way they lost sight of their worth in God's eyes, they found love in others that continually failed to meet their expectations, they sought after a life beyond their means and came up empty handed. Despite the sadness, hopelessness, discontentment, longing, and heartache, God has allowed room for hope for them and anyone else for that matter. He is providing a way out, a path less taken, but totally worth the extra effort it takes to get there. He has designed a life filled with ultimate freedom, overwhelming peace, pure joy, unending love, and incredible hope for those who follow Him. What a day it will be when they embrace the true gift of life God has for them!
       I was also asked to help organize a day for a group of about 25 students, high school and college age. Don't worry, she sprung it on me at seven in the morning, so that gave me a whole thirty minutes to get ready for the day before they arrived. Who needs caffeine to get yourself pumped up for the day, nothing beats a time crunch to wake you up and "get your life together" as some say around here! With God's help, everything turned out just as Ms. Pearl expected, absolutely fine! The students got to spend one on one time with the daycare kids and everyone was completely wiped out by the time nap time rolled around. It reminded me so much of the first week I spent here last summer; completely exhausted, yet so incredibly blessed by the love those kids shared with us while we did our best to love on them.
      I found myself realizing how far God has brought me from the beginning of this journey and looking forward to where He is headed. Much like the groups that volunteer, there has been excitement and anxiety as I first met the daycare kids, so happy to be a part of their lives and thankful for the opportunity to love on them. As the day goes on, patience starts to wear thin, limits are pushed, fits are thrown, Legos are stolen from one another, tears are cried, and time outs are just excruciating. Its the time of day, just like the volunteers experience, I wonder how I'm going to make it through the next few hours, or in my case, the next year. But as the day ends, volunteers and I look forward to the break from the craziness, and I find myself thanking God for this opportunity. One in which I won't always be prepared, I won't always have the answers, or I won't have a clue what I'm getting myself into. However, at the same time, I am in the midst of His work, face to face with people that desperately need to know Him, and overwhelmed by the fact that He is using me somehow in the middle of it all.
     Even though I am exhausted, stretched beyond my limits, and weary from the work He has called me to do, I cannot get over the feeling of fulfillment that rises from within. I may not always get it right and I can't promise that I will be great at what I do. But I am here, I am willing, and I waited entirely too long to experience the incredible ability of my God at work!
 

 

Smiles like these do the heart good!

 

Becoming A Receiver

         I am learning that God has so much to teach each one of us about who He is; from the beginning of time, the sacrifice of His son, the redeeming power that lies within the grace He willingly gives, and the incredible ways He loves us. We can spend the rest of time constantly learning the true joys this life has to offer when we live it to glorify Him. There is so much more than just going through the motions, so much more than wishing and dreaming, and so much more than our average, ordinary lives. With Jesus, we learn the value of every moment, we can pray with expectation of being heard, and we find ourselves in the middle of a life full of adventure, purpose, and hope! 
       One thing I am learning to enjoy, or at least embrace, about being here has been that every day is different. I come from a background that everything is the same, there is a routine, everyone has their job, and there is an order things happen, etc. But here, despite the children's schedule, something new comes up daily. It tests my endurance, stretches my flexibility, pushes my limits, and as a result, my comfort zone ceases to exists. Just when I found myself being comfortable with the daycare activities, I was introduced to the after school program. Soon after I met most of the mothers that come to the daycare, I was asked to reach out to at least one of them. Not long after attending Bible study, I was challenged to disciple one of the mothers. It hasn't taken long to realize that everything I feel like I have already given up cannot compare to what God is asking of me. True surrender means giving every part of who I am in order for Him to move, letting go of what I desire in order to experience His blessing, and daily taking that step of faith in order to walk on the path He marked out for me. He hasn't promised that I will feel equipped, guaranteed that I will know exactly what to do, cleared every obstacle, or told me this was going to be easy; all He asks is that I give all I am and I will receive His glorious blessing!
       We had dinner with Ms. Audrey this week, a close friend of Ms. Pearl's, and she said something that has stuck in my mind ever since, "You know sometimes God will ask you to give all you have in order to become a receiver." She had no idea how deep that touched my spirit and how soon I would receive something so precious! Thursday was my birthday and you can even ask my mother, I never have any ideas of what I want or need, so I wasn't expecting anything. Well I came into the classroom that morning and those beautiful children sang the best Happy Birthday song ever, followed by some cake and ice cream that rapidly filled them with enough energy to last the rest of the week! Praising God for the love I have for them and the love they so freely have for me! He truly has so much to give us if we are open and willing to receive it!

Love is spelled T-I-M-E

       I have been on this journey for almost a month now, which is a miracle because some people, myself included at times, didn't think I would make it this long. Even though it doesn't seem like too much time, I feel as if so much has changed. At first I felt lost without any direction, searching for God in the midst of the craziness, and doing my best to keep my head above water. Now I look back, as I find myself always doing, and I can't help but see that I am blessed by how His hand has been at work. Not even just in the daycare or the construction, but in my heart as well. I praise Him for His forever faithfulness.
      My eyes have been opened up to so much about this culture. Everything is so different from the life I come from. Something that seems so bizarre to me is completely normal to them, for it is all they have ever known. I am blown away at the abuse of a system that has been set up in order to help people succeed. It's intent was well meaning, however due to poor management of the government, it is being used by the people to remain comfortable, allowing them to receive benefits from all angles and not necessarily putting forth the effort in return. Please understand not everyone does this, but there is such a vast majority who would rather take an easier route than to rise above the odds and stand on their own. However, I don't know their whole story, I don't claim to be perfect, and I don't know what God has in store for them, so I can't say anything about something I have never been a part of. I just wish people could see their potential and strive to go for whatever is on their heart; a goal that Ms. Pearl tries to instill into the families that she helps. 
     I'm starting to learn the family stories, some are promising and others are heart breaking. As I listen, I can hear the desperate need of an escape or the longing for a better life. Each one is different, however they are all filled with circumstances that require rescuing and restoration that can only come from knowing the ultimate Healer. I look at the children and a love that comes from the depths of my being fills every part of me. My struggles cannot compare to the battles they face daily, I find myself hugging them tighter every time I see them. I can't help but pray for the parents as they come in, asking God to draw them as close as possible. Some need hope, some need help, some need guidance, some need encouragement, but they all so desperately need love in every way, shape, or form. A love that knows no boundaries, a love that tears down the doors they hide behind, a love so courageous it drives every fear away, a love that is more satisfying than any substance, a love that will free them from the chains of anger, regret, and depression, a love that will heal the deepest wounds, and a love so overwhelming that they have to let go of everything else. It is the same gracious love poured out on my life, a love that has seen me at my best and most definitely at my worst. My story is not as harsh and rough as the ones I have heard, however that same love can reach anyone, at any time, in any place. Oh how glorious is the love of God for His children!
      I have spent so much of my time noticing the differences, not knowing where I will fit in, and not quite understanding my place here. But I am learning that God is telling me to love above anything else. That may mean asking one of them to go run an errand with me, spending a few extra minutes sending them some encouragement, taking a moment to listen to what's on their heart, or just spending time with them. No gift is more precious than when we make time for someone else. God has spent an eternity working with us and loving us through this life; all He asks in return is to take the time to share that love with everyone we meet.