Everything Is Different

    I am starting to feel like a nomad, no place to really call my home. I was reminded of what Jesus said about His life and how He had no place to rest His head at night. (Matthew 8:20) But He also mentioned that this was part of what it means to follow Him. Now don't get me wrong, I am not sleeping on the streets or desperate for shelter. What I mean is that no matter where I am at, I get the feeling that I don't belong. It's not anything that anyone does or says to me, it's just how I feel in each environment, nothing is like it used to be. I keep telling myself this is a good thing, but I'm trying to figure out the good in it.
    For example, I spent a morning at the hospital this past week to attend a meeting and help out in areas they needed an extra hand. My heart was grateful to see familiar faces that I know and have grown to love. However, that was all that I had to say about my visit. I found myself no longer desiring to be involved with the ins and outs of the department, I just wanted to know how the people were doing, to try to be an encouragement in some way. My heart has been redirected from the busyness of a full time job and the burdens it brings, to focusing on the ones I am working with. I feel somewhat guilty that it took me leaving to realize that I have missed so many opportunities with so many people. I feel embarrassed for not taking the steps or seizing each moment to just love the people I was with. I spent so much time trying to hear all sides of every story or taking part in things that I had no business getting involved with, that I missed out on hearing the heartache, worry, or struggle behind their words or offering opportunities for their faith to grow as well. I have always been taught to focus on the people around you wherever you are, meet them where they are at, and love them despite the flaws they may throw at you. Notice its a call for action, we are called to actually step out, get uncomfortable and share with those we spend our time with, and that is an extremely challenging task.
   That may not be a mind blowing concept to most however, I currently live in an environment where reaching out to others is our main priority, it is my full time job now. Something that I am not necessarily comfortable with, which brings me to another place that I don't quite feel like I fit in. I am not used to taking that first step, to becoming uncomfortable or vulnerable in order to let someone know that there is something more and someone greater than themselves in whom they could believe in, that will never fail them. I find myself going back over scenarios and thinking how dumb I sounded, or how crazy they must have thought I seemed. However, I think about Jesus in His ministry and how people thought He sounded crazy, how they mocked Him for his words, and disagreed with His beliefs. He never let them stop Him, He pushed forward knowing that everyone needed to hear the news He had to share. As I think of His example and then look at my walk, I have so much room for improvement. People have told me they admire what I'm doing, and I do my best not to shake my head, for I need to be doing so much more. I have let self-doubt and discouraging words fill my mind which has caused a very confused and nonproductive heart. I agree with them that stepping out and following Jesus is something pretty remarkable (because in reality it usually always seems like the craziest thing to do), but it's the moments, days, months, or years after that step where things get messy and confusing that people don't see. It's made me feel like I'm not equipped for this, that I have made a mistake, and that I won't make it to the end of this year. I have read a couple books written by missionaries, longing to find out how they made it through the struggles, questions, and doubts. Each shared how that no matter where they found themselves, God was always with them, reminding them of the love that He has for them. It is greater than themselves, capable to breakthrough any barrier that keeps us from sharing with others, and able to reach the most lost, tattered, and worn hearts we come across. In the most trying times, He asks us to stop trying and let Him step in. In the most hopeless circumstances, He asks us to give up control and allow His hope to fill us. In the most broken moments, He asks us for honest hearts in order for Him to love us back together.
    It seems strange, but I feel as if I am learning a whole new side to the God I thought I knew before I started this endeavor. The more I learn, the more that changes. And I'm learning the more changes that I experience, the more differences I will see in myself. Something different I have recently noticed about myself is how much I miss it when I'm not there. At first I was excited to just be a part of the ministry and spend time with those children. The difference now is, I know the amount of effort it takes to work with them, I understand the chaos that is always possible there, and I know some of the emotional and mental struggles I will face, but on some level I miss it when I'm away. I find myself wondering how my kids are doing, if everyone on my street is still alive after the weekend, and looking forward to being able to keep the kids safe throughout the day and to share even a simple hello with someone on the street. I long to break out of my shell in order to be used for what God desires me to do. I thought that's where I was before I started, but even that thought is something completely different now.



Why wouldn't I want to come back!?!
When was the last time you got to play musical chairs?