Honestly

         This is hard. God has been working on my heart more than ever these past few weeks. It started when a friend told me that they had always thought that missionaries would be happy with the work they are doing. Since then, I have wrestled with how I feel about things here; it's not necessarily "happy," but nothing can steal the joy this work brings. My perspective since starting this journey has definitely changed! I have felt convicted to be more open about life here, I believe God wants to use even the worst scenarios to bring about His glory. I must warn you, it's not always a pretty picture like I have been trying to portray. Much like a child's drawing, it can look chaotic, colors are outside the lines, people take on a whole new shape, and what should be easy to see can at times be difficult to interpret. I have had to remind myself that even though God can use whatever I give Him to reach others, He wants all of me. So I can share all day long about how He is blessing me, but you won't understand how precious the blessing is if I don't share what He brought me through to get to it.
         I feel like the cultures I have experienced are on two completely different sides of the spectrum. I never pictured myself having conversations about the differences a color pigmentation brings and how much of an issue it can be. I was naïve in thinking that people can look past an outward appearance or their own assumptions in order to get to know another person. Getting to know some people has been a challenge because they are so guarded, so some relationships will only be surface deep. I wasn't quite prepared for feeling so detached at times. It's not always easy being the odd man out, however, there are quite a few people who have been willing to take me under their wing and with a lot of patience, have explained many unknowns to me.
       Another part of this journey has just been getting used to the way of life. I didn't move to a third world country, I don't live in a house of mud, and I don't have to go days without bathing, but there are days I feel like I'm in a totally different country. Daily interactions or tasks cannot be approached in the same way; not every person is a friendly face, and not every street is meant for actual traffic. There isn't an easy way around it, no sugarcoating the truth, it is an extremely intimidating environment. It would be wise to get inside before dark, because when most are sleeping, the neighbors find it the opportune time to wake up. The quiet sets people on edge waiting for what will happen next to liven things up. It is so consuming that I can go days without hearing about anything else going on in the world. When we do watch television, it's usually the news, and they are usually reporting on all the nonsense that's happening in the Roseland community. We don't really talk with too many people outside of Roseland, except for supporters of our ministry or laborers for our new building. I find it so interesting that there is such a need in this community and that this ministry is so focused on every part of it; God doesn't seem to allow for too many distractions.
        I may not be comfortable in my new surroundings, but I am learning that God doesn't want us to get comfortable. He opens doors to new adventures in order to experience a new side of Him. I'm not allowed to run away when it gets hard, and trust me, it's usually always harder than I think. No, God calls us into the middle of the mess and to trust His ability to equip us for whatever lies ahead. I may not be the person who will change the face of Roseland, but He has placed me here to be His voice, to be His hands, and to share His love. This life calls me to trust God with all I have. That comes with some pretty stressful moments, but it also has some pretty inspiring rewards at the same time. Even on the worst days He can provide such unexpected comfort and peace. I was caught off guard this week by a conversation with Ms. Pearl. The past couple of weeks have been more challenging than most due to the busyness of construction and warmer weather, and honestly I have felt in over my head. Well, she stopped me the other day and asked me if I was okay. This is nothing new or different, but I actually answered her with a completely honest response. "I don't know, I feel like I'm going crazy at times." She just smiles at me and says, "Honey, you gotta be a little crazy to follow Jesus!" I'm sure those words don't seem extravagant or life changing, however, in that moment, it's just what I needed to keep going. What comfort to know that it's ok to feel like you don't know what you got yourself into, it's a normal reaction when your world gets turned upside down. How encouraging is it to know that we're not alone in anything we're feeling, we have someone to walk along with us in whatever journey we find ourselves on. And what a relief to know that when it feels like we are losing our grip of control, God reveals that He has been running things from the beginning and will see us through to the very end. He hasn't promised that it would be easy, but He has promised us that remaining faithful to Him will be totally worth it! And the hope I have in that very promise is more than enough to keep going!